On the drive to the cabin yesterday, I noticed that spring has slipped into summer. Gone are the days of wild weather, storms moving in and out every half hour, the grass growing an inch every day, getting a deeper green every time I saw it. Instead it feels like summer is settling in, everything has calmed down, gotten lazier, more easygoing. The sound of the grasshoppers is almost hypnotic, and I want to fall into that state of summertime ease, but I can’t.
My cat stopped eating a few weeks ago, after an operation to get rid of stones in his bladder. At first, I thought it was connected to his having to wear a collar around his head, which got in the way of his food bowl. But even with the collar off, Ajax still spurns the food we put down for him. Most frustrating is that all the medical tests show no physical reason for his lack of appetite. He gets skinnier by the day, while we offer him bits of rotisserie chicken, rich canned food, sips of chicken broth and pudding. Ajax sniffs at the food, takes a lick and then walks away. Does he want to die? Is something in his mouth, gums or throat causing him pain? He can’t tell us, and so we’re operating in the dark.
What I want more than anything is for him to be well, to wake up in the morning and hear him crunching the food in his bowl, instead of worrying about how I will get him to eat. I want someone to figure out what’s wrong and then I want to fix it.
Instead all I get is uncertainty, not knowing if he’ll waste away or if one day he’ll suddenly start eating again. I know this is my lesson to learn—to live every day not knowing the outcome. It feels like a balancing act, like I’m on the trapeze, trying to staying focused on keeping him going without falling into despair or anxiety.
Oh Kathy, Your blog made me burst into tears and I am so sad for Ajax and you and all that love him!! My pets by far have been the ones I have been the closest to in my life. My heart breaks for your situation!! Hearing the crunching of the food, not knowing why this is happening and you might be right...maybe this is his time. So SAD these events are...it's so easy to love these wonderful and loving creatures and so quickly they are gone. I am getting close to experiencing this as my cat is 13 and I had sworn off having pets after my dog died until the neighbors cat moved in with us and I remember how great this wonderful unconditional love is from these furry ones. But I think about how my heart will be broken again not long from now and how happy I have been to have this unconditional love. My heart goes out to you and your beloved cat!
Posted by: sally | July 03, 2009 at 09:10 PM
Ajax is a very handsome and noble-looking cat. Thank you for posting his photo so that when I send a ton of healing energy I can visualize him.
Hang in there Kathy.
Posted by: Bettianne Shoney Sien | July 06, 2009 at 10:39 AM
Oh, my. How sad. Ajax is so beautiful. I know how much you love him and want him to be well and happy. I'm thinking of you both and my heart is breaking.
Posted by: Jody Berman | July 08, 2009 at 08:43 AM
Kathy,
There is a place in my heart reserved for cats and those who love them, so I'm with you, sister. Have you considered speaking with an animal whisperer (a psychic who listens to animals)? I know one, if you want to consider that.
Melanie
Posted by: Melanie Mulhall | July 08, 2009 at 09:24 AM
All of life is uncartain, isn't it? While our pets are with us, they are so steadfast and constant that it seems as if they will always be with us. I hope that you do wake up to hear that comforting crunch -- or that you have by now. I hadn't looked at your blog for a while now but since more recent posts were about other topics, hope that Ajax is his old self again.
Posted by: Claire Walter | July 20, 2009 at 04:20 AM